Your best friend has a new fling and is constantly telling you about all of the wild, adventurous, crazy sex they’ve just started having. And all you can think to respond with is, yeah, I am single as f*ck.
You’re not, like, one of those completely desperate single gals, but relationship status is definitely nowhere in the near future for you:
1. You flirt with everyone. Like, even with men who aren’t that attractive.
You find any and every opportunity to flirt with anyone and everyone. Because…why not?
When you and your non-single girlfriends go out, you’re the one flirting with the bouncer to get in, the bartender to get drinks, and the guy outside the bathroom to let you cut him in line.
Flirting is the greatest part of single life, and you flaunt your skills like a boss.
2. You starfish in your bed on the reg.
Starfish = that moment you land smack in the middle of your bed, ass naked, arms and legs spread out to take up every inch of the mattress.
There is no competition over who gets which side of the bed, who gets to be little spoon, or who’s gonna steal all the covers tonight. That’s right, this is your bed.
And for anyone who didn’t previously know what starfishing is: You’re welcome.
3. When you have a sexy sleepover, you barely get any sleep.
Because of all the wild, wild sex you’re having….obviously.
But I’m talking about after that. You’ve gotten so used to sleeping in your bed alone that when you have a body sleeping next to you, it completely disrupts your normal sleep pattern.
And the next day when you walk into work, everyone in the office knows you had a rando hook up last night.
4. After 5pm, sweats are the only thing between your legs.
You’re a master at staying in. In fact, you’re sort of a 20-something grandma. You may have some sexy lingerie buried somewhere deep in your closet, but it hasn’t seen the light of day for a while now.
Once work is over, you like to get cozy in sweats and munch on snax with Netflix.
5. You masturbate as much as a horny teenage boy.
“So, what’d you do this weekend???” Yeah, you definitely stayed in with your Rabbit, and you are not afraid to admit to that.
You are basically a teenage boy when it comes to fantasies, masturbating, and making yourself feel good – because there is certainly no one doing it for you. You are single as f*ck.
In fact, sometimes the storylines in porn actually pique your interest enough that you consider them short films. Just sayin.
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