You always joked that I was out of your league, but I’d brush it off and change the subject because I didn't want to believe it was true.
But looking back on our failed relationship, I see just how right you were.
You approach the world on the defensive, as if you might come under attack at any moment, which makes you closed off, bad tempered, and always on high alert. Your walls were impossible to break through.
I was always open, but you never let your guard down. I constantly tried to prove that I was worthy, even though in reality, I was way more than you deserved.
You seem to lack a basic respect for other human beings. No matter how much I tried to encourage you to be open-minded, you went through life acting as if the world owed you something.
Kindness is a virtue you wouldn’t uphold. You were judgmental, arrogant and sometimes, outright mean. It wasn’t long before I got sick of making excuses for your biases.
Everything I told you from the start was true, because I value honesty. But you only said what you thought I wanted to hear, self-serving lies that fell from your tongue effortlessly.
Life is unpredictable and sometimes messy, but you couldn't handle that. You were completely incapable of accepting change or dealing with hardship and it wore me out.
The slightest break in your routine sent you flying off the handle and no matter how much I tried to keep you grounded, it was no use.
Worst of all, your meticulously high standards for me were not just unreasonable, they were impossible. I was set up to fail.
I became an expert at explaining away the horrible way you treated me, pretending we weren't as toxic as I now realize we were, giving you the benefit of every doubt, and defending you.
But now I realize that you didn't deserve it.
I stood up for you, no matter how poorly you acted, even though you never did the same for me. Instead, you seemed to take pride in calling me out when I wasn't at my best (as if I needed a reminder.)
I knew all the ways to get a rise out of you, but I never chose to use them as a weapon. You, however, loved to intentionally push my buttons so you could watch me squirm.
What kind of person goes out of their way to purposefully frustrate the one they claim to love?
Your words and actions backed me into such a tight corner, that before long, I lost myself in the shadows. Everything I said or did was just another thing for you to mock, so I stopped speaking up at all.
Despite everything you put me through, I saw the best in you. The good moments, though few and far between, kept me wishing and praying that inside you was a better man.
I gave you so many chances to prove you could change and you let me down every time.
It wasn't my job to fix our broken relationship, but I tried anyway. I worked desperately to save us while you couldn't be bothered to even lift a finger.
The day I finally left you was one of the bravest of my life. And your reaction when it happened, so disbelieving, desperate, and angry, showed exactly why I had to go.
Your refusal to accept my decison to walk away proved once and for all that you were never the man I deserved.