I thought I wanted to like the things all my friends did when in all honesty I kinda hated most of them (the things, not my friends. They're kinda cool I guess).
I became a push-over, and not in a good way. I went along with everything everyone else did, because it made them happy.
Who was I to take that away from them? Who was I to be the party pooper and say "No, I won't want to go out tonight" or "No, I don't want to go there today"?
But why was I stuck thinking that I had to give up everything for those around me, and never expect them to do that for me? Where did I lose my sense of desire and strong choices?
My friend's happiness and comfort are important to me, and their happiness makes me happy. But it's exhausting.
It's exhausting always changing what I want, ignoring my inner needs. Sometimes my soul needs an entire pizza and bubble bath, not a sit-down dinner and copious amounts of alcohol until 2 in the morning.
I lost the line in my life of where there is a limit- a limit to my compromise, a limit to my quietness.
I stopped sticking up for myself, I stopped being vocal about my needs too.
A wonderful, wonderful person came into my life and reminded me of these things. They kept asking me what I wanted, kept giving me the last bites, kept surprising me with my favorite cups of coffee.
Why was I so shocked at having someone pay attention to the things I like, when I do it to others all the time? Why was I having such a hard time accepting their kindness towards me?
It boiled down to my self-worth. I didn't believe my wishes and desires were as important as others and that is where I went wrong.
I lost the notion in my brain that sometimes my needs are the only ones that truly matter at certain points. Accepting their giving actions, accepting the last bites and cups of coffee doesn't make me selfish, it makes me human.
It reminds me that I am wanted too, and what I want and need is important too. I had to accept the fact that if I didn't start serving myself, helping myself, loving myself- how was I going to find the time and energy to help the important people in my life too?
If I were to keep on giving and giving and giving, it became apparent that one day I was going to have nothing left to give.
Choose yourself when others refuse to, and choose yourself when you need too. That doesn't make you selfish, it doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. Remind yourself of all the things and time you give others, and remember you deserve the same.