It's a big gesture to block someone.
Sometimes this grand gesture can mean serve as an act of anger, or as a way of expressing lingering hurt feelings, or it can just be a healthy decision made by someone who just really wants to move the hell on.
In my case, it's all of the above.
I'm angry with you. For not being what you used to be and for changing us without my permission. As if this relationship was always a contract, and you could release me from my obligations at any moment's notice.
I'm sad because losing anyone in your life, in any way shape or form, is truly a loss. There's an emptiness, that doesn't go away. There's a sensation in your heart, and even your head, that makes you feel like you need this person to feel whole again.
It's healthy for me to quit you cold turkey. Maybe it feels spiteful to you because you only see the harshness of the ignored calls and texts and not the healing that's happening on my end.
I don't know if this is the immature way to handle a breakup. I don't know if people will think I'm weak because instead of simply ignoring you, I had to block you from my phone. Well, the truth is: I don't trust myself.
The emptiness creates a false reality around me, one that tells me you are the only thing that keeps me moving. Sometimes I stare into my coffee thinking about us and everything that happened, and all of the sudden 30 mins have passed. I'm consumed by your memory.
This is consuming me.
I don't know much about moving on from you, but I do know moving on has to happen without you. I secretly hope you still wonder what I'm doing, and check up Instagram to see what I'm up to.
And the truth is, I want to feel a real love.
I thought it was you, but I keep telling myself if it was, it wouldn't have ended. You wouldn't have even let our last conversation end in the way it did. You would be using your friend's phones to try to reach me, you would be reaching out through social media, you'd deliver flowers to work, do whatever it takes to keep me around-- but you did nothing, and that said everything.
I don't want to be the girl who stares sadly into her coffee cup anymore, I want to be the girl who stops in the middle of the sidewalk, closes her eyes, and smiles at the city lights above her -- taking in the magic of a beautiful night, while accidentally annoying every person who's walking behind her.
And that's what I'm doing.
I guess we weren't magic after all. I guess you weren't my ending, but that means I'm at my beginning.
So, I'm starting my story over.
Once upon a time, a girl blocked the one who hurt her, and that has made all the difference.
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