The hardest part of our break up was how quickly it became a distant memory for you and how long it lingered for me.
Because, to me, breaking up was like losing a piece of myself. We had become such a huge part of each other's lives. Even the good memories I used to look back on so fondly had been overshadowed by the heartbreaking disappointment of what our future ended up looking like.
And, I have felt every emotion over you: love, hate, anger, confusion, resentment. And, I know that that is just the start of what I will feel as I continue to grow and move past this. But, it seems like you didn't need that time to work through your emotions. Because you just went straight for indifference.
That's what hurts me the most. Indifference is cold and passive. Indifference is an insult when I had spent so much of my time trying to make you happy. It's salt in a wound when I did everything I could to care for your heart. And, I know that I was worth more than that.
Sometimes, I will think back on the boy with the twinkling eyes and the bright smile telling me about the promise of our forever. He will beam at me as he tells me how he's "never felt this way", and I wish I could go back and warn myself.
Because love for you was a fair weather experience, that could change on a dime with little to no warning.
And, I guess that's why you could so easily decide that you were over me and over what we had. It never meant as much to you as it did to me.
Love for you was about convenience and about what makes you happy in the moment. You never wanted anything that was going to be challenging or need nurturing. You wanted easy and fun, and I was too complicated for that.
As much as it hurts to see you so easily moving forward with your life, I guess it made me realize some important things about myself.
If a boy could just drop me like that without a thought, then he is not capable of the kind of love that I know I need.
If a boy could claim that he loves a girl only to be over it the next week, he cannot even begin to fathom what real love is.
And, even though I'm hurting, I know it's because I tried and because I cared. I will never be like you because when I love someone, I truly mean it. And, I know that there is someone out there for me that will give me the love I mistakenly thought you were capable of giving me.
I'll continue to heal until, eventually, those painful memories of you will turn to indifference, and I'll finally be able to move on without another thought just like you did.
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