I haven’t been entirely honest with you lately, and I think it’s time you know the truth. The thing about our sex life being non-existent lately… it’s my fault. When we started seeing each other, we had sex all the time, multiple times a day even. It was awesome, but now that we’ve been together a while, our sex life sort of slowed down.
I’ve put on some weight since we started dating, that’s no secret, but it’s affecting me in ways I’ve never imagined. I don’t feel like the same girl you fell in love with. I look at old pictures of us and I can see how different I look, so I can only imagine what you’ve been thinking. I see the way my arms stretch a little wider in my tank tops and how my jeans don’t quite fit the same anymore. I stopped feeling sexy a long time ago and I’m so sorry it’s gotten to the point where it’s taking a toll on our sex life.
I don’t want to be this way, especially around someone I love so much, but I just feel disgusting. The thought of you seeing me naked right now makes me want to cry. I see how you look at me, I can feel your eyes focus in on my inner thighs and drift over my belly. In my head all I’m thinking is you must be so turned off, there’s no way my body can make you as happy as it used to.
You deserve a girl who has the confidence to rip her clothes off right in front of you without a care in the world. A girl who can walk into a room full of people and not be self-conscious that everyone notices that she looks a little… bigger. You deserve the girl you fell in love with not this chunky emotional wreck I’ve turned into.
But the thing is, feeling this way isn’t anything new to me. In my last relationship, I dealt with a lot of mental abuse that screwed me up for a really long time. My ex would say things like “if you’d go to the gym with me, you’d be so much hotter” and “if you lost a few pounds, you’d look so much better.” At the time, I just thought he was looking out for me, but after a while, I realized he was just tearing me down to make himself feel better. But by the time realized that, I was a shadow of the girl I was before I met him.
It took me a really long time to heal from all the damage he had done to my self-esteem, and honestly, I’m still healing. I still have flashbacks of how much it hurt to be called fat on a daily basis and feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Those thoughts aren’t something that just goes away, you know? Just thinking about it makes tears well up in my eyes.
And now that I have put on a few pounds, I’m terrified that you’re going to think horrible things about me, too.
I know sex plays a major role in relationships, but right now I don’t even want to touch myself let alone be touched by someone else. I’m working on it though, I promise I won’t be like this forever. One day I want to be the girl you fell in love with again, it’s just going to take some work to get there.
I don’t want to lose you, but I understand if you don’t think I’m worth it anymore. I know this is a lot to take in and I don’t expect you to fix me, it’s something I need to do for myself. I’m capable of feeling comfortable in my own skin, it’s just not going to happen overnight.
I’m sorry that this is affecting our relationship, that’s the last thing I wanted. You don’t deserve to have to deal with my self-esteem issues like this. You deserve everything good and perfect in this world.
My biggest fear is that you’ll take what I’ve just said and turn it on yourself. Please, don’t think you’re to blame, believe me, it is not you at all. You have been nothing but good to me, I’m sorry that the girl you’ve chosen is a little broken.
If you’d give me the chance, I’ll work every day to be the girl you fell in love with all that time ago. Just please, don’t stop loving me because of this.
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