My depression has made me feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and I need to take some time to focus on myself.
As much as I joke about my two naps a day during the weekends and my 8:00 bedtime during the week, I’ve realized that maybe I should stop laughing about it, and try to fix it.
I have been masking my depression for years with a bunch of alcohol and a string of men. But I still wake up lonely and hungover, feeling worse than I did before.
I have been masking my depression by keeping myself busy. I put everything I have into my work, and then keep my schedule so full that I don’t come home until it’s time for bed.
But I still come home to a house that I’m embarrassed to show anyone the inside of….too exhausted to do anything about it.
I have been masking my depression by helping others. It occurred to me that maybe I don’t really find joy in helping those around me, it’s just my way to look like I have my shit together.
When really I don’t know how to help myself.
So, I decided It's time to get help and go away from everybody for a while so I can focus on healing. Treat myself, as I would if a friend had come to me and told me she was depressed.
Take her out to exercise.
Make sure she is drinking enough water.
Reach out just to check on her.
Help her clean her house.
Cook her dinner.
I would be there for her, and now I need to be there for myself.
I don’t want anyone to think I’m angry or my feelings are hurt. I don’t want anyone to think that me falling back is a way to get attention (fuck you, if you think that, by the way). I just need to rebuild my life, and I want to do that with as little distraction as possible.
It has taken me a long time to realize that drinking with friends and hanging out with men that I don’t even respect isn’t helping me. Maybe in the moment, but not in the long run. I can’t have that life anymore, because my dark days are coming more often and with a lot more darkness.
I can’t keep running.
Hopefully, in time, I will become the person I want to be. Hopefully, I can come back better and happier. A brand new me. And, hopefully, then we can still be friends.