There are subjects we love to talk about: Boys, Make-up, our best friends, school, and that awesome event that happened last week.
Then there are some things we never talk about... like our inner battles with self-worth and our inner voice.
I don't know when I developed an eating disorder, but I've struggled with one way too long.
Some of us struggle for only a mere few months, others a few years, and often more times than not, it is a life long battle.
I want you to know something: Even one day of struggling with your self-image, food intake, or excessive behaviors is a day too much.
I have had more dates with a bathroom floor than I have with boys. I have purged away more calories than my body may ever absorb.
My struggle with Bulimia didn't just invade my life, it consumed it. No longer was I a girl who simply had bulimia, I was the bulimic girl.
There was no separation for myself and my disorder.
I hid from my friends, I hid from dinner dates, I hid from the swimming pool, and I hid from myself.
The mirror was an enemy and the fridge always mocked me from across the room.
I loathed tight shirts more than the calories taunting me, and every single day I lost a little piece of myself.
Every day I engaged my disorder, I lost pieces of the people in my life. But I did it, for years I did it, because my disorder made me believe that eventually, it would all be worth it.
Eventually, I'd succeed in matching the idea it had created in my head.
What did I fail to see?
That any time I brushed close enough to touch that idea, it would change. To something just out of my reach that I couldn't touch.
I failed to see that I would never actually succeed in pleasing my disorder. My disorder wasn't helping me find a happy way to live with myself, it was helping me find a way to no longer live at all.
Not all suicide notes are in letters.
April 2017 would have marked two years clean for me. I didn't make it there.
But, it's okay. It's okay, because I knew that when I entered recovery it wouldn't be a straight uphill climb.
I had to understand that in my recovery, I would reach new lows I have never faced. I would also reach new highs that I never dreamed for myself.
If you're struggling with an eating disorder openly or in secret, you're not alone.
There are thousands of individuals struggling every day too, and there is nothing wrong with you.
You're battling a deadly mental illness and the fact that you're alive, reading this, is a really fucking cool thing.
You're alive. And you deserve to live a very long time. You deserve to live above and over your disorder, not under it.
You need to understand that you are not your disorder- it does not define you. You have one, and that's okay.
It's not your fault. You can get better.
And maybe right now you don't want too. That's okay too, but understand this:
Entering recovery was the scariest thing I have EVER done. I cried a lot.
I think I've cried more in my recovery about my bulimia than I did struggling alone. You're more than allowed to be scared.
Everything you feel about it, is okay. Angry, confused, sad, terrified... I felt all those things too. You're not crazy.
I love you. I don't know you, maybe I'll never meet you, but I care about you. I'm writing this just as much for you as I am for myself. I relapsed.
I'm not done fighting, but I believe one day I will be and I'll live until I am a dying old lady.
I'll have enjoyed all the pizza my heart desired and hopefully never have gone a day without ice cream or chocolate.
There are some foods I may always be a little afraid of, and that is something I will have to deal with when the time comes.
But if I face a small thing every day instead of the whole thing at once, it will be a lot easier.
You're alive, and I promise that is the coolest freaking thing ever. And even if you only managed to eat a few tiny things today, you are a rockstar.
You're battling one of the deadliest mental illness, and you're alive. Breathing. Awake. You're kinda sorta totally amazing.
If you or someone you know is battling with an eating disorder, there are steps you can take to help:
Suicide hotline: Call 1-800-273-8255
National Eating Disorders.org also has a hotline and online chat options.