I tried for so long to see past the reality of our relationship. But, the truth is you loved making excuses way more than you could ever love me.
You didn’t want to be held accountable for your mistakes. Instead, you would make me feel like everything we ever went through was somehow my fault.
And, it broke me for a long time. Because I bought into it. It just made me try harder to be better for you and be better for us.
But, I was never the problem.
It didn’t matter how hard I tried to fix everything or how often I forgave the same mistake over and over again.
It didn’t matter that I let you off the hook every time you let me down or I tried to find ways to cut you slack and lower my expectations of your contribution to us.
And, like so many times before when I got to this breaking point, I tried to pour my heart out to you about it.
I tried to make you see why this wasn’t working on the off chance that something I said might resonate with you.
But, once again, you had your normal line of rationalizations ready and waiting for me. The same things I've heard, time and time again. You have an excuse for everything. For every mistake and every situation. And your excuses became mine. I would defend you over and over again.
I don’t know why it took this long, but it finally became so clear to me: this is not worth it.
I am worth more than these excuses. I am worth more than this inconsistent, unhealthy, disappointing dynamic. I am worthy of finding someone that is never going to allow us to settle into this toxic, distorted version of love.
Because it’s not that you’ve made mistakes. It’s that you never planned on growing with me from them. You never made any effort to change. You let your excuses be your crutch whenever I confronted you about the dysfunction in our relationship.
I have never been one to give up or walk away, so I want you to know how hard this is. But, I finally woke up and realized that you are always going to care more about your excuses than you will about growing and building a healthy and loving relationship with me.
So, you go ahead and keep your excuses. Keep every line that you used on me over the years to redirect the blame. Keep the words that you’ve recruited to comfort you so that you never have to be held accountable for yourself.
As for all the excuses I’ve made for you over the years? I’m finally done with them.
I’m finally choosing to see things as they truly are and not how I tried to make them out to be. I’m finally seeing that this is a sad excuse for love.
I finally see that I am worthy of the real deal, and there’s just no going back from that.