Do you know what an addict looks like? I’m sure you’ve seen one in a movie or book or on a street corner, but you’d never guess that I’m one, too. I’m a fully functioning addict. I wake up everyday and go to work, I take the long way home to pick up dinner, and I go to sleep next to my boyfriend every night. On the weekends we go visit my parents and take them to dinner and have game nights.
But what no one knows is what happens in the in-between of my days. Honestly, I would’ve never even guessed this would be my life. But here I am.
People at work don’t know that when I go to the bathroom 5 times in one day, 3 of those times isn’t to pee. My boyfriend doesn’t know that my dealer meets me outside of our favorite restaurant and that’s why I “surprise” him with dinner. And my parents don’t know their daughter likes family game night because she enjoys playing high as a kite.
Who am I really? I’m a conniver. I’d do anything to get my fix and I’d do it anywhere I can get an inch of privacy. I live a double life full of lying and hiding and faking because of my addiction. And quite honestly, I’m ashamed.
I’m ashamed because of how good I’ve gotten at hiding this consuming urge to self-destruct. I’m ashamed that my loved ones actually have no idea who I really am, and yet they’re convinced they do. I’m ashamed that I have absolutely no problem hiding a baggie in my cell phone case and getting my fix in the bathroom of a movie theatre or my friend’s guest bedroom. And that’s why I hide it… because I am truly and completely ashamed.
But I can’t help myself, it’s a self-destructive cycle I can’t get myself out and I can’t keep this secret any longer. I feel my life changing, spinning out of control, and it’s beginning to scare me. I watch as my relationships with people around me deteriorate little by little. I feel so disconnected from the ones who once meant so much to me. I can’t carry the same meaningful conversations with my boyfriend anymore and reminiscing about old times with my parents feels… forced. I don’t have the same heart I used to… the drugs are changing me.
Though what scares me the most is I don’t know how bad it’ll be if I stop. I haven’t gone a day without it in I don’t even know how long. I have become too entirely reliant on drugs that I can’t picture what my life would look like without them… I can’t even tell you what it looked like before them. It feels like I’ve lived in this world of drugs and lying forever.
I’m at the point where I don’t know how to quit, where to go, or who to talk to. I can’t keep this up forever… that much I know. My self-esteem is at an all-time low and I feel like a shell of the person I used to be.
I feel like I have wasted some of the best years of my life living for drugs and I want my time back... but I realize that’s not an option. I’ve made every decision in my life leading up to this point, I’m responsible for the hole I dug for myself. At this point, all I can do is try my best to get off of it and go on with my life.
But I can’t even imagine how my loved ones will react when they realize how many lies I’ve been feeding them. When my parents find out everything I’ve been doing behind their backs, they’ll disown me. And my boyfriend… he’ll leave me for sure. I can’t be alone and in recovery, I wish there were a way I could cut myself off and still have it all remain a secret. That wouldn’t solve anything though, because it’s the secret that’s eating me alive. It’s living this false life that I can’t keep up with anymore.
I have to find the strength within myself and do it, It’s time I come clean. I need to do it for the people in my life who deserve to know the truth. I need to do it for my mom and dad who need their daughter back, my boyfriend who needs the love of his life to smile like she used to, and myself who needs her old heart back. I just hope I don’t lose it all in the process, if anything, I just hope to reclaim my true self. It’s time.
For more like this, check out our Facebook Page!