The actual breakup was a whirlwind of emotions. It was confusing, shocking and honestly, didn’t process right away. When I heard those four awful words strung together with so much apathy that I just sort of went numb. “We should break up” was the last thing I heard and from that moment on, I was just going through the motions. It didn’t hit me until way after that moment that it hit me, how do I live without you?
Waking up in the morning, I roll over to grab my phone to check for that usual “good morning” text but instead, I find an empty screen. My heart drops into my chest and that dreaded conversation starts playing on a loop in my mind.
I walk into the kitchen and pour only one cup of coffee instead of two. I start missing the little things, being told I was beautiful before I put on any makeup, that quick kiss before I left to start my day and knowing that someone was always waiting for me when my day ended.
Most of all, I miss what I used to be. The memory isn’t what keeps my heart heavy; it’s all the mental images that come flooding over me all at once. It’s walking past a place that I created so many memories together. I catch tears slowly slipping from my eyes.
I’m left feeling alone, not wanting to bother my friends with my troubles but needing an outlet to let it all go. It’s realizing that I have to start completely over, with no idea how to do it.
And what kills me the most is people who tell me I’ve been sad for ‘too long’ and I just have to ‘get back out there.’ They were not there when we cuddled on the couch watching TV, they weren’t there for dinner dates, selfies, or the first time he said: “I love you.”
They may have been through their own heartbreak but they don’t exactly know how I’m feeling, so I won’t downplay how hurt I am.
The truth is, it hurts because it was real. It hurts because there were real feelings involved. The next bit of truth is eventually it will get better.
The pain is overwhelming because my heart didn’t just belong to me, it belonged to him as well and when he left he took a little piece of that away with him.
There are going to be tears, there will be lots of them. I know I’ll look for him when I’m out and about even though I know I shouldn’t, I may even pick up a phone knowing that it’s a bad idea. It’s all part of the process.
I will get over this relationship, but it’ll be in my own way, until I feel okay because if I don’t allow myself to feel okay, then I’m just going to hurt myself in the long run.
The breakup goes by quickly, but the pain will take a while to heal. So in the meantime, I’ll be taking it one day at a time.
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