How do you even begin to get over someone who was the only reason you smiled during the day? How do you pick up the pieces of your own heart and just 'move on?' I didn't think I could.
The only time I ever felt truly at home was in his arms, so I couldn't help but sit there and ask myself... now what?
I was convinced I had nothing. I was positive that I was nothing. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw were my scars, even though they were on the inside. I saw my heart with a rip down the middle.
I saw tears running down my face, even when I wasn’t physically crying. And since that’s what I saw, I had no doubt that's what everyone else saw in me too.
I had no doubt that every guy would see me for my brokenness instead of my potential.
The girl I used to be was visibly broken and I didn’t think anyone would be able to fix her. I didn’t even think I’d ever be able to fix myself.
I felt bad for myself because of what he had done to me. I was ashamed that I couldn’t be stronger, embarrassed I let myself get like this.
But I could only feel bad for myself for so long before I had a really harsh reality check. I hated who I was. I hated the fact that I relied on somebody else for my own happiness and refused to allow myself to sink.
But I just wasn’t sure how to change my ways. Until one day, I just decided I couldn't live like this anymore.
This road to recovery has been nothing short of complicated. It has been absolutely anything but enjoyable.
It's been a lot of questioning, re-evaluating and learning things about who I was, and who I’m becoming. I started off in a place of broken glass and shattered dreams.
I’ve vowed to never depend on someone else for my happiness, that is a place I’ll never go to again.
I'm trying to become a person I can be proud of, and be a person who can rely on herself.
I’ve had to dig into the deepest parts of my mind, the ones that didn’t want to even be found, and really start to understand the person inside of there.
I used to think I was nothing more than a girl who no one could love again because she’s already too broken to be fixed. I hated that girl so much and I refused to let her consume me.
Now I realize I'm so much more than the damaged soul I once was. I'm stronger because of my weakest days and I'm capable of love. So much love.
And that's what matters. He did not ruin me.