I can honestly say that he gave me the absolute best times of my life, but I'd be lying if I denied the fact that he’s also responsible for the worst.
When I think about my highest points and my lowest lows, a majority of them were with him as the backbone. Everything I’ve been through, he’s been right by my side, cheering me on. He’s always been my vice. I can truly thank him for being a huge part of making who I am today.
But at the same time, he was the reason for a lot of the pain and sleepless nights since our love story started.
He was the first guy I gave my heart to and the first guy I trusted to keep it safe. With that responsibility, he failed.
He was in no place to love a girl, his insecurities from his past relationship were eating away at his mind but he could have never admitted that out loud.
He took my heart anyway and pretended he was capable of loving me back, fully.
Deep down somewhere he knew that he was too scared to love another girl so soon, after his heart had been broken.
When he should have told me he wasn’t ready, he showed me he wasn’t with his actions.
In my vulnerability, my weakest moments, he gave himself to not just one, but so many other girls. He spoke the same words to them that he said to me. All his promises about our life together were just ideas that he couldn’t commit to.
He didn’t take my love seriously, the first time around. He was in no shape to fall in love.
And that tore me to pieces. It was months and months of trying to understand what had went wrong, why we weren’t built to last.
But with forgiveness, I became a new person and I got over him. I tried to find something or someone that made me feel the same way he once did.
All I ever wanted was that feeling again. But I couldn’t help but think that maybe he really was the one, maybe I really did need him.
When our paths eventually crossed again, I was hesitant to let him back into my life. As much as I felt something was missing without him, shaking some of the worst memories I have was impossible.
But I took the risk and put my fears behind me. I decided that holding a grudge was the worst thing I could do because I didn’t want to live to regret it.
Slowly, our relationship started building off of what it used to be. I thought we were good back then, but the people we have grown into are so much better fit to be in each others’ lives.
I never used to understand how someone could get back together with their ex after being hurt so terribly by them. Half of me still thinks I’m a fool for ever giving him the time of day again.
But I couldn’t live with this feeling anymore and even when I moved on from our past I still felt as if there was something missing from my life without him in it.
I didn’t want to live a life that felt like there was an empty piece. I didn’t want a life without him any longer so I put my pettiness behind me and let him prove that he has matured since his mistakes.
I don’t think that people change.
But I do think people grow and start to understand the world better with experiences.
Our experience made us stronger and I will never apologize for following my heart back to him.