Some women grow up dreaming about being a mother.

 

They start as early as the first time they hold a doll in their tiny hands and quickly urge to mimic everything they’ve watched their mothers do to care for an infant.

 

Unfortunately, that was not the case for me, I grew up watching you, mom, you cared for me poorly and that quickly shaped my views on life and parenting. Yes, I had dolls growing up, but no mother figure to mimic after, so being a mother has never been something I aspire to be or that I remotely feel comfortable with.

 

Perhaps deep down I feel I’m not deserving of being a mother but maybe that’s a thought way too complex to explore or psychoanalyze at this point in my life.

 

Let’s be honest, mom, what do I know about caring for a child if I was never truly cared for?

 

The truth is, I don’t want to have kids because I don’t want to be like you, mom.