Honestly, the hardest part of a break up is the first few days. It’s like breaking an addiction or a bad habit. I have to slowly wean myself off of you.
I have to remind myself constantly not to pick up my phone and call or text you. It’s just become a habit at this point, and I start to do it without even thinking. Something happens and I grab my phone to text you about it.
Or I hear a song that reminds me of you while I’m driving so I get the urge to call you.
But I can’t anymore.
I may think that I do now, but in reality, I don’t miss you. Not really.
I miss having someone to tell me good morning and good night each day. I miss having someone to talk to about my day, good or bad. I miss having arms to hold me and lips to kiss me. And damn, I really miss the sex.
But then I realize that none of those things are unique to you.
I miss the idea of you. I miss who I thought you were; what I thought we would be together. I miss having someone to go on dates with. I miss the idea of the future I thought we would have together.
But then I remind myself that none of it was real.
The truth is…you stopped being my safe place a long time ago. You stopped caring about me and doing all of those things. You were lost to me a long time before it became official.
When we broke up, I thought I would be devastated. But when I woke up the next day, I barely felt anything different. I’ve been alone for so long, even when we were together, that I’m already used to the feeling.
Other than getting used to no longer talking to you or seeing you at times, not much has really changed for me.
My friends are all surprised by how well I’m doing, but I’m not. I’ve gotten so used to taking care of myself that I don’t expect anyone else to do it for me. I’ve come to realize that I’m the only person I can rely on. So I’m just doing me as I always have.
Eventually, I know I’ll find someone who will be able to give me everything I need, but until then, I’m perfectly happy going at it alone.
At least I know I won’t be let down.
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