No, I'm not still hung up on you.
You left my heart a while ago and I'm more than thankful for that. You're no longer there pulling at it... maybe you were never pulling and my heart was just jumping for you. I don't know which it was and I may never know, but I do know that it really freaking hurt. All the time.
There's a lot I will never know, and that is what I am hung up on.
Sure, they may be a higher, all-knowing being that controls the outcomes of our life and sure, everything happens for a reason. I guess I just want to know your reasons.
I want to know why I was never enough. I want to know why I only got a few glimpses of your mind and secrets. I'd watch you talk to me differently than you talked to anyone else and we both knew that. I was something else to you completely and maybe that scared you.
Maybe you wanted to care but deep down you didn't.
I want to know why you told me you loved me and then cut me out of your life, again. I want to know why you only seem to show up just as soon as I let you leave my mind.
Is it the game? Do you like seeing me struggle with living a happy life while you try to ease your way back in just to abruptly disappear?
I wanted to pick you, every time. Every. Single. Time.
I guess I never fully picked you just like you never fully picked me and maybe that is what haunts me. The only consistent thing about all of this is: Maybe.
All I will ever know is the maybe's and I've had to learn how to heal with that. I didn't have any validation for why things were the way they are, I had to just accept all that happened without reason.
But I did it. I moved on from you and this time for good. My closure didn't come from you, it came from finding someone who treats me in all the ways I deserve to be treated. You never learned how to do that and I'm thankful.
Your lack of closure made me strong.
I had to learn how to validate myself, my self-worth. I had to learn that people will disappear from my life and it isn't always my fault.
Thank you for your lack of commitment and your lack of manners. Thank you for showing me what I deserve by showing me all the things I didn't.