It seems like these past few weeks I've been wandering around, having not a clue what to do with myself or my life. Maybe I'm bored, maybe I'm lost.
Conversations hardly hold any importance to me, and I feel like it's been far too long since I have felt open and alive. I go through my life monotonously- I just want to open my mind and breathe.
My mind isn't in class, it isn't in the people around me, and it is hardly in myself. All I ache for is to leave this place I feel so stuck in and go.
I've done it once, embarking on a 16 hour drive halfway across the country to the mountains of Colorado and I'll never forget the moment I felt my mind collide with the world like I did sitting on the edge of a cliff.
I'll never forget letting go of all the apologies I never got, and all of the ones I never gave. I let go of all the hurt I endured in this life, and I let go of the hurt I caused others. I've accepted that there are things I will never speak about and there are some things I will never know about others.
As I sit here and find myself stuck in such disdain for unexplainable reasons, I have no idea what to do. And the only thing I can grasp is to go. Go to the places that make my heart flutter and make everything inside me skip.
I've looked for people to rush into me, break me into beautiful spectacular pieces, loving me until the end of time. That has only touched my fingertips but I've never grasped it. I float back to the same person again and again and again, hoping for some kind of different outcome.
I don't want to give up, and maybe in time they'll feel just as strongly. Maybe.
But waiting around has never been a choice for me and I know I'm sitting in my life just spinning my tires right now. Everything inside me is a storm and I look for some way to just make it through the night without scaring myself awake.
Hiding behind a rolled J isn't fixing my mind expect allowing it to completely shut down or fold in on itself. Trust me, it works for awhile. But it doesn't work forever. I have a habit of waiting until my problems are at the absolute worse until I face them, and I'm deciding right now, that will no longe be the case.
I can't tell you what a leap of faith feels like, and I can't explain to you how to jump. But I can say the bravest thing you can ever do is to blindly trust who you are.
What you are.
Go to all the places your mind wanders- if it's a destination, go. If it is a person that clogs every pipe in your stream of consciousness, go.
Go where you feel most alive.