Every year, my world comes to a crashing stop on the same day- the day that will always be one of the worst days in my life. It’s as though the universe knows what was taken from me that day and wants me to remember every little thing possible.
It wants me to feel the pain of losing you all over again. It wants me to feel the heart-shattering, soul-crushing pain of having to remember the amazing person that’s no longer in my life. The person who taught me so much about life, and love, and everything else.
But I’ve become accustomed to the pain. It’s like an old friend I now carry around with me. I can bear the pain of my chest clutching together the broken pieces of my heart. I can tolerate the feeling of my stomach dropping as I realize all the things you missed over the previous year.
I can even make it through feeling as though my heart is stopping, the air is being sucked out of my lungs, and my soul is withering away. I can get through all of that because the pain is good. The pain has become my friend...
It was left to take your place, and while I’m nowhere near as fond of it as I was you, it does comfort me in a strange way. This pain proves that you weren’t just some figment of my imagination, made to make my life seem better. It reminds me just how real you were.
How wonderful and important you were to me.
It reminds me of just how much you brought into my life. How much happiness, kindness, comfort, and love you gave to me. The impact you had on not only myself but everyone around you. You brought so much light into so many people’s lives.
The pain brings me back to you. Back to the memories. Back to the feelings. Back to a time when you were in my life. Back to a time when my heart wasn’t so shattered. Back when my soul wasn’t as beaten and tattered. To a time when I could breathe.
A time when smiles weren’t regretted because someone had missed out. Back when good things happened and were celebrated without a nagging feeling of loss. Back when I could talk to you and see you standing in front of me.
Back to a time where things made sense.
The world provides me one day every year that just... stops. One day where I can endure the pain without the judgment of the world. A day where I can take my time to stop and remember you.
That day brings me back to you. That day will always be yours. The universe will continue to stop on that day, as though it mourns for you just as I do, which I wouldn’t doubt a bit.
You were that good, that loving, that kind and self-sacrificing, that God would’ve made a day just for us to mourn you.
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RIP BJG 7/16/66 - 1/24/07