It feels like for most of my existence I’ve been struggling to belong to this world, to my family and my own skin. I’ve been for the most part surviving, scuffling with myself and trying to break free from an emotional prison. But my soul is no longer captive and I’ve worked up the courage to vocalize the most deep-rooted fact of who I am. I’m prepared to express something about myself that for the longest time felt wrong. Like a dark, twisted defect I was cursed with that prevented me from fully living thus being completely honest and closer to you. And now that my heart and soul believe that to be true, I can completely open my heart to you and tell you that yes, I’m your daughter, but I’m also your gay daughter.
Perhaps this may not come as a shock to you. I guess part of me wants to believe that deep in your heart you knew that this is who I’ve always been and that your silence has always been your way of protecting me, and not wanting to make things harder on me. Because I gotta say, it’s been really hard carrying this heavy emotional load over my shoulders, but that’s not here nor there. It’s not your fault I never spoke about it, but from the bottom of my heart, I hope I’m now able to openly show you who I really am.
If I’m wrong and you didn’t have the slightest idea, and this certainly comes as a surprise, I hope you can receive my words and my truth with an open heart. If you need time to process what this means and how you feel about it, I’m willing to wait. After all, I waited this long to come out and I understand that as hard as it was for me to embrace myself, it must be hard for others to accept that who they thought I was no longer holds true. Or at least to an extent, I’m the same person you’ve always loved, there’s just more to me that would love your acceptance and unconditional love.
You should know that It’s been a long journey of acceptance for me, and for the most part a lonely one. I’ve always been gay, I just ran from my identity to fit a “normal” societal mold. I couldn’t fake being “normal” so, I feared myself and my truth but what I feared the most was disappointing you. I didn’t want to cause the slightest discomfort, shame or ridicule.
Unfortunately, the taboos continue to surround this subject and gay people are not the only ones being affected by them. Our families are collateral damage of the harsh discriminations inflicted upon us. It still terrifies me that who I am might cause you any pain and that’s part of why coming out was the hardest decision I had to make. But the pain and loneliness I felt being closeted for so long became a synonym for life-or-death and I could no longer deny myself.
It took me years to understand that being gay is far from being dark, if anything, it’s the opposite. It’s part of my essence; beautiful, authentic, honest and truthful. It’s light and it’s who I truly am, who I want to show the world, unfiltered, unedited.
Today, I can say that I embrace and celebrate myself wholeheartedly and my wish is to be able to celebrate my life with those I love the most in peace and full acceptance. As I lift this weight off my shoulders, I hope you love me just the same now...maybe even more.
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