Our breakup was so necessary, and so final, that there’s no reason for us to ever speak again.
I know with absolute certainty that nothing good would come from one more conversation.
But sometimes at night, when I’m lying in bed unable to sleep, I think about what I’d say if you were in front of me one last time.
I'd tell you that you hurt me more than I ever thought possible, but I won’t pretend I didn’t love you. We were so toxic and so unhealthy, but to say what we had wasn’t real would be a lie.
Maybe that’s why it hurt so much. Because in between the years of tangible bad were occasional moments of undeniable good.
I accepted your apology when you finally offered it, but a part of me will never forgive you. I may have moved on, but sections of my self-worth and heart will never be fully whole.
You were the one I thought I’d spend my life with. Until you weren’t. I know how sorry you are, but nothing can undo the damage you caused.
I realize now that we were never going to make it. The blind-in-love feelings that clouded our judgment hid the fact that we were doomed from day one.
Looking back, it’s downright shocking that I didn’t notice the red flags before it was too late.
We were so desperate to prove we were happy, that we completely lost touch with reality.
Thank you for raising my standards. If it weren’t for you, I would still have no idea what I want. Or what I deserve. You showed me what it feels like to settle, and I refuse to do it again.
Choosing to love myself enough to leave you was the toughest thing I’ve ever done, but it was also the best. However good your intentions were, loving you was like playing with fire, and I got burned.
Deciding to crawl out of the flames was the most important choice I could've made. And I need you to know that while I didn't mean for your world to get turned upside down, I wouldn’t change it for anything.
I no longer think about you constantly or reach for my phone to text you whenever I have a funny story. But when it’s dark and I’m lonely, you creep into the back of my mind.
I miss when things were good. I miss the role we played in each other's lives. In the end, you were no longer my harbor, but I miss the feeling of being safe in your arms before the storm hit.
You pleaded with me to give you one last try as if I hadn’t given you hundreds already. I don’t believe that people change, and deep down I know you would've never become the man I needed. But part of me will always wonder what could have been.
I mean it when I say I hope you find happiness. Not the kind we thought we had, all tangled up in rigidity, false expectations, and dependence. Despite what you put me through, you deserve the happy that makes everyday brighter.
If the purpose of you and me was to show you what not to do again, I can live with that.
I don’t regret leaving you, but I don’t regret our relationship either. For everything we were, everything we went through, and everything we never became, you are a part of my past. A fundamental reason I am who I am today.
I’ll try to forget our darkest moments, but you were my first love, and I'll always remember that.