After everything you've done to me, I still can't bring myself to hate you. But God, I wish I could. You deserve it. Unfortunately, I just can't.
But if I could, I swear I would hate you for pretending to give a shit about me.
For painting me a beautiful, brightly colored sky, only to turn around and splatter sad colors of gray and black all over what used to be the most amazing piece of art I'd ever seen.
I'd hate you for gently giving me a handful of diamonds- affection, surprises, thoughtfulness, trustworthiness, genuineness, only to snatch them away the second I blinked my eyes.
I would hate you for giving me a box full of pain and convincing me that it was love. I'd hate you for manipulating me into believing that this is it, that the idea of love I had in my head was fake; that it never actually happens like that.
I would hate you for every time you ignored me when I cried out for reassurance. For making me question my self-worth, why I'm not good enough.
I would hate you for all of the times you made me feel low. For all the time I spent looking at other girls. Their hair, their face, their bodies, just wondering... If I looked like them, maybe you could love me better.
For ever believing it must be my flaws that are incapable of being loved.
I would hate you for all of the times you held me back from greater things. Because I was so worried about what you would think, how you would feel, I kept myself inside of a box, thinking if you can't shine, why should I?
I would hate you for all of the times you said I was just too needy, too crazy, too clingy. And all of the times that I actually believed you.
I would hate you for ever pointing those beautiful, addictive eyes in my direction, making it impossible for me to say no; for me to just walk away.
I would hate you for the times that you laughed with me, you listened to me, and you pretended like I was all you ever wanted.
I would hate you for never realizing that what you were doing was wrong and that I did not deserve the heartbreak that you were continuously dishing out.
If I could, I would hate you for allowing me to pour everything I had into you, even if that meant giving away pieces of myself that I desperately needed. I'd hate you for being so quick to take and so slow to hand back. I'd hate you even more for walking away when I had nothing left to give.
I would hate you for walking into my life and turning it upside down. I'd hate you for changing the way that I feel about love and for showing me that it is not a beautiful thing, it is a scary thing.
And above all else, if only I could, I would hate you for making me love you.
But that would mean that I, too, have a cold heart full of bitterness. That would mean that I, too, would be capable of an emotion so dark, so cruel, so demeaning.
If only I could hate you, that would mean that I, too, am just like you.
And that is something I will never be...
For more articles by this author, please click here.
Sign up for the Pucker Mob Women’s News Email Newsletter
powered by ArcaMax