Being a musician takes a lot of courage - my respect to every single one out there. Just the fact that you're willing to put yourself out there to be praised or criticized is a valiant choice.
However, behind all that courage, talent, and personality there's a dark side that our other band members have to put up with. After all, that talent has to come with a price.
Here are 9 types of band members you might come across on your road to fame:
- The Apocalyptic Trooper: This one is very experienced and is in a rush to make it into the hall of fame before the world ends. Their talent hasn't received the exposure or credit it deserves and, in their mind, time's running out! They mean well but will make impetuous decisions if it means a chance at a minute and a half of fame. He forces everyone and everything to work at an irrational pace, sometimes jeopardizing the quality of the band’s efforts - but who cares? They must achieve celebrity status by the time they’re 55! They’re already past their prime, probably married with two kids, and will try any fashion trend to remain current, even if it makes them look ridiculous. Chill, dude, and embrace your age. You're going to make it, but - for the love of god - ditch the skinny jeans!
- The Corporate Captain: This is the one that likes to take matters into their own hands and offers to handle all the social media efforts as well as band management duties. They define the band's popularity by the social media stats, which most likely come from friends and family, and tries to make the band sound like every other Top 40 song playing on the radio. According to the stats, that's what "really works." Their idea of a good promotional campaign is to make up white lies about the band in order to make it seem more appealing - a huge fan of semantics. He can make a performance photo or any promotional post seem like the band was invited to open for the VMAs
- The Whiny Biatch: This one is never, ever, ever happy with any decision made by the band, no shit. Their complaints range from the lengthy rehearsal times to not wanting to play a song they already hate. They’re not too horrible to deal with because, at the end of the day, the complaints might be about legitimate issues. They don’t give a shit about taking charge and will just end up doing what you say.
- The Devious Prima Donna: You might be surprised by how often this one isn’t the lead vocalist, but for the sake of simplicity, let's describe this character as the lead vocalist. This one becomes a stoic whenever dealing with band issues. They don’t respond to emails, text messages, or any other form of communication but they somehow influence every decision. They don’t bother with band drama because they’ve already had enough of trying to date outside of the band - or inside the band, for that matter. They speak only when they feel like it and might be tri-lingual: English, Spanglish, and Rolling of the Eyes. They show up to every recording session, rehearsal, or show wearing fashionable shades and always enters like they’re about to receive an award.
- The Diplomatic Figurine: This band member always wants to keep the peace and doesn't like confrontation. They never take sides or make decisions. They’re about as vocal as they appear in the official band photo. Their idea of contributing to a band discussion comes in the form of two simple phrases - "No comment" or "Whatever you guys decide" - and this just annoys the hell out of everybody else taking part in the palaver. Just have some semblance of opinion!
- The Artistic Blind: This one is a great musician, but has no eye for any other form of artistic expression and insists on being in charge of the band's image. They post the most horrific pictures on social media and will come up with the most illogical visual concepts for the band. They try hard to write good songs but, because they’re trying too hard, the lyrics end up being um, well…really confusing. Credit for musicality and perseverance, though.
- The Drunk: ‘Nuff said.
- The Emo Mess: Oh the drama. This one is constantly dwelling in misery, but somehow knows how to channel all those emotions into the music. You give them a pass and learn to ignore the emotional tantrums. They might burst out crying in the middle of the rehearsal and leave the room - "It's all just too much to handle right now."
- The Adonis Goof: Young, gorgeous, funny, talented, and can charm the pants off anybody. Everyone digs this specimen. They miss 99% of rehearsals, make it to every show 5 minutes before going on stage, but kills it at every show. You want to hate them, but you can't help but love them. They can do no wrong, because you know the band can't live without their creative genius and intoxicating charm.
I stand by Theodore Roosevelt's quote: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles…” But let’s be real. Sometimes we can be a pain in the ass and we deserve to be called out on it.
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