First of all, congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means that my beautiful, intelligent friend has chosen YOU to be her very own boyfriend. You should be VERY happy about this, because she’s wonderful and kind.
I’m her friend. And guess what, I don’t have to be wonderful or kind (not to you, anyway).
So... first things first:
Treat her well. Or else.
Look, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. You seem like an okay guy. I want to be nice to you. But I know my friend, and that chick has had some lousy experiences with men.
If you're good to her, we won’t have a problem. I will help your girlfriend plan surprise parties for you, and I will give her all my best sex tips. I’ll even pretend to be interested in your life when I have to hang out with you (but please don’t tell me about any screenplays and/or poems you’re writing).
If you f*ck up mildly, I’ll tell her to give you a second chance, because you make her so very happy. But I will never give you a second chance.
If you f*ck up majorly, I will make her dump you. Yes, I have that power. I singlehandedly convinced her to get that pixie cut, and I made her believe that her singing voice is not terrible (even though it is). If you hurt her, revenge will be swift and merciless. I will not hesitate to reveal all of your secrets on social media.
This is because...
I know everything.
Yes, I know all of your secrets. I know all of your weird sex preferences (you’re just lucky my friend is also a pervert). I know that you briefly had feelings for your cousin. Your girlfriend tells me everything.
I’ve also Facebook stalked you extensively, since she won’t do it because she “trusts you” or whatever. I saw that selfie with that girl from your gym. I will happily befriend your exes just to get the scoop and report back to my sweet, naïve friend. So you’d better be telling her everything, too.
Be nice to me.
If you ever think that I’m flirting with you, then you are very, very wrong. If you make any attempt to flirt with me, I will be reporting it to your girlfriend at once. BUT you must also tell me that I look nice when I go out for a girls’ night with your girlfriend. I know it’s a thin line to walk, but I don’t make the rules, pal. I just enforce them.
And if you EVER plan to buy your girlfriend a present (and you’d better), you MUST consult me first. How else can I warn you that she hates heart-shaped jewelry? I know her dress size, her favorite color, and her favorite Game of Thrones character. Stay on my good side, and you’ll never forget a single anniversary.
Also, you should be a nice guy and set me up with one of your cute single friends so we can double date. But if I don’t like him, I’ll hold it against you forever. So choose wisely.
Just so you remember...
I’ll always be on her side.
Even if she’s clearly in the wrong. Sorry, dude. I’m a reasonable person, but if she decides to be unreasonable, then my hands are tied. So if I scream insults at you, don’t take it personally. I’m just being a good friend.
So, welcome to the family! If you make my friend happy, then you make me happy. I’m so glad that you found each other. Don’t screw it up.
Your girlfriend’s friend.
P.S. Cheat on her and I’ll claw your eyes right out.