Yeah, yeah—we know that we’re probably not going to find Prince Charming on Tinder. But it’s the 21st century, so most of us have at least dipped a toe in the digital dating sea. We’re not expecting too much, Tinder! But there are some things that just HAVE to stop, even on Tinder:
- Pics of dudes with hot girls. So… is that your girlfriend? Your ex? Your sister? Oh god, you’re grabbing her ass in that one, I HOPE it’s not your sister…
- Wait… is that a WEDDING PHOTO? Are you married? Bro. No.
- Group photos. WHICH ONE IS YOU?? This just makes me think that you’re using your more attractive friends to confuse me.
- Awwww, that guy has a dog! Oh whoops, I swiped right even though he’s not that cute at all. I just like his dog.
- Why are you holding a fish. I know that you caught that fish, but like. Why would I be turned on by a photo of a dead fish.
- Or a dead deer. Let’s just say no dead animals in any pictures.
- Shirtless mirror selfies. No face, just abs in a mirror. Nice and subtle, friend.
- Extra gross points if it’s a public bathroom shirtless mirror selfie.
- Or no photos at all. Who are you??
- When he starts the chat with, “you look beautiful :)” and then immediately goes into “sit on my face” with NO TRANSITION. Calm down, buddy.
- A bunch of fuzzy sport photos. Like… it’s great that you snowboard, but I can’t see your face and that makes me think you’re catfishing me.
- When you don’t reply right away and dudes PANIC. “Hey………… your so pretty” turns into “whatever ur a fat bitch” surprisingly quickly. Wow, ok guy, I was at work, but now I’m definitely not replying to you.
- Also grammar. I mean, the occasional wrong “its” is ok, but… aggressively bad grammar = no date.
- Bitter profiles. Dude, if you’re going to start with “nice guys finish last :(“ or “no bitches/princesses,” don’t be surprised if you DO finish last.
- One weird, blurry selfie and no other pictures.
- Bad pick up lines. Look, there’s a certain appeal to a cheesy pick up line. But if you’re coming right out of the gate with “was your dad a chicken farmer? cuz u look like u r good at raising cocks,” this is going to be a very short-lived relationship.
- Bios that say, “It’s going DOWN, I’m yelling TINDER.” Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. Swipe left.
- Pictures of cars. And only cars. Are you a transformer or something?
- Pictures of dudes with guns. Or knives. Or any weapon, really. Are you going to shoot me?
- Overly specific bios. “Swipe right if you can take a joke, drink beer, NEVER cause drama, like to cook, have blonde hair, love call of duty, and are named Stacey.”
- Or bios that are just a Snapchat handle. I’ll pass on the dick pics, thanks.
- Or bios that are just one pretentious quote. I know that’s a John Green quote, friend, you’re not fooling anyone.
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