Fatigue, thirst, headache, nausea, dizziness, shakiness, lack of focus, and muscle aches. These are the A-typical symptoms of someone who was clearly drinking last night.
Whether it was a classy night of wine that turned into a slop fest, or you meant business and started taking shots at 6pm, let’s face it: last night, you were fucking drunk. This morning is just not your morning. Some of your symptoms are worse than others, and you compensate by going into survival mode. We’ve all been there.
1. The Snuggle Bunny
Go to work? Go to the gym? Go to lunch? I don’t think so. This day is solely, wholly, and purely devoted to your bed. You don’t feel particularly nauseated, and your headache is only at a “3??? but there is no way broad daylight will be seeing your face. Netflix, Grubhub, and spandex are your best friends today. And if your boyfriend has plans, he needs to cancel them immediately. Today you are all about giving love; all you want to do is snuggle, kiss, chat, giggle, do the dirty-dirty, and nap.
2. The Elephant
Elephants can drink up to 50 gallons of water per day, and today that is exactly what you are: an elephant. Last night, you decided that 5 rounds of pickle backs were an awesome idea, and the dirty martinis just kept getting dirtier. You can’t seem to flush your system of the horrible water retention brought on by all those salty drinks. Choose a word to describe that headache: raging, stabbing, sharp, dull, throbbing, or fierce. You refill your bottle, you keep a gallon next to your bed, and you sweat it out. Or you go all in, and decide to rock a camel-back all day.
3. The Bottomless Pit
The moment you open your eyes, you are hangry. You peel yourself from the sheets and become an animal in the kitchen. You search for leftovers, cook the entire box of pasta, and make a sandwich, all before heading out to brunch. After brunch, you proceed to eat lunch. Then, snack all day before your 3 dinners. By the time the sun is down, all of the food you’ve consumed has finally absorbed the alcohol and you’re ready to do it all over again.
4. The Groovy Dude
There are some mornings after a night of drinking that nothing, absolutely nothing, will cure that hangover except for a little friendly herb. Regardless of what form you decide to take it in—joint, bowl, blunt, brownie, bong, or putting on your big boy pants and going for the gravity bong—a little toke, or two is just the cure you need.
5. The Boomerang
Did you know that the Turkey Vulture can vomit up to 10 feet and uses this defense mechanism to dispel predators? Now you do. You better hope that there is no one in your bed this morning, because if there is, he or she will be gone very soon. You can’t seem to hold anything down, and your day will be spent in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, or with a bucket next to your bed. Your self-loathing escalates to an all time high when you remember bits and pieces from your black out. Last night you asked, “would you like, totally judge me if I put pizza in my bag and brought it with me to the club???? And now you are paying for it.
6. The Unorthodox Jew
Your cocktail of drugs and alcohol weren’t exactly kosher last night. “Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear,??? didn’t concern your late night decisions of gin ‘n’ tonics, whiskey shots, beer funnels, and jägerbombs. Therefore, your hangover today is exceptionally bizarre: a miscellaneous platoon of the evidence listed above.
7. The Bender
Last night you were, White. Girl. Wasted. You have absolutely no idea what your hangover entails, and you are not about to find out. Your first mission is to find more alcohol. Blended drinks are your best friends today. At brunch, you order coffee, a Bloody Mary, and a beer: The Trifecta. After which you will try to be the last man standing. Napping is a bad idea; food is a bad idea. The only thing on the menu today is booze. If you’re in need of some moral support, find your inner Vince Vaughn and repeat: no excuses, play like a champion.